Miss America: Maybe Not all Change is Good

Oh effing no. I was totally pumped about this show...the prospects, the hope, the change, the fact of de-plasticization. Oh, woe is me. After the 2nd episode, I have very serious doubts about this. Here's a laundry list of the reasons why in reverse order of importance:

1. A lame attempt at reality show format. So they have these contests...that are lame...and with zero apparent consequences. "Why" I ask, "Why?" TLC--you cannot just throw out any old drivel and assume that tv-watchers are idiots. We are now highly evolved and used to watching shows with a complexity rivaling that of disarming a highly dangerous explosive. You can't take us of Lost and 24 ilk and hand us not only a stupid but inconsequential series of "trials" and assume all with be hunky dory. In fact, it is neither hunky nor dory.

2. Michael Urie. Annoying. Un-funny. Overly-perky. Overly quirky. Overly unknown. Did I already say, "Not funny." This dude's part of the bain of the whole existence of this show. Maybe someone who looks like they didn't just come off a stint at band camp would help thing. I don't know.

3. "Expert" consultants. Under what rock did they un-earth these gems? I find it very hard to believe that these B-list, no-name, tranny look-alikes that they've brought in to "make women modern" know anything about making women modern. I find them bitchy without the reputation to support the bitchiness. And without a huge amount of talent or appeal. Not good.

4. And, finally, the judges. Admittedly, I thought this might be the deal breaker and sure enough, it is. Their advice is fleeting, confusing, and a bit off. Their critiques are uneven and, in my estimation, also have nothing to do with a real or a modern women or even the actual situation at hand. And consider the source, I suppose. A "stylist" (which seems to be code for "I flunked out of design school"), the West Coast editor of "US Weekly"(the job for the gossipy Queen Bee of high school clique-dom), and the male photographer. All super-great candidates to decide what the modern American woman should be.

5. The editing. Yikes. TLC is no Amazing Race that's for sure. By the looks of the show, there are 6 women in the competition--3 who know what's up and 3 who should be mocked shamelessly. And what we see from these 6--just bad. It's so clearly edited to make us think one thing while the truth is the opposite that it's not even fun. Trying. Too. Hard. Strangling. Me.

I'm so disappointed because the promise of relevant change was dangled not so far from my pop culture nose, leading me to a mirage in the old-fashioned desert. Miss America is a classic symbol of the American woman (whether or not it's right is another debate). It needs a change because it simply does not represent women at all but instead forces modern competitors into roles that are so out-dated they're laughable. But the driving force behind the change seems no more savvy or modern than women prancing around in bathing suits and singing bad versions of operatic arias; it's just different. At the height of the problem is that we never even know the contestants real names--they're all "Miss [insert state here]." Would anyone really stand for that anymore? Just because we watch them to discuss at dinner one night stale and prosaic "debate topics" (contraception, abortion, etc), we still also witness the judges hold them to unreal fashion standards and berate them in they're not wearing enough eye-liner. The ones who really challenged others on the debate questions were edited to look aggressive and angry. And there are an awful lot of tears being shown. It's a reality check--but who's reality and how real is it? At this point, all of this still has absolutely nothing to do with me, which means I'm tempted to go surfing and give up on Miss America altogether.

Even after the 2nd episode, it's clear no change will actually be happening here. Yes they cut some hair and made some "suggestions", but they're all superficial; it seems that works on both the literal and the metaphorical level. Oh well. I'm really pinning my hopes on the state costumes now.

Miss America: She's a-Changin'

Confession: I love the Miss America pageant. I always have. There's nothing quite like hunkering down on a Saturday night with a bowl of popcorn and a diet Coke and making fun of the parade of states that opens every pageant, requiring that each beautiful albeit plastified state contestant don a costume representative of her state. Please...that's entertainment. From there we go directly to swimwear (boring) to talent (fascinating in a train-wreck kinda way) to evening-gown-slash-interview (usually embarassing). Hey, I never once said I was a fan of this event. No-no...I just like to watch and laugh.

But, this year there's a massive change underway over at this famous "scholarship program." Basically citing a complete lack of cultural relevancy and threat of extinction, the Miss America Pageant has undertaken what can only be considered a revolutionary re-vamping this year. Normally shown on network tv (ABC in the past) in primetime, this year's pageant will air on TLC (of all cable channels...this is the group that brought you Little People, Big World and Trading Spaces) only after all 52 contestants (including Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico) have participated in a reality show called Miss America: Reality Check also on TLC. The whole premise of the show is to update and basically de-pageantize the "girls" (some of whom are upwards of 25 years old) who have sunk a lifetime of money, time, and effort into looking and acting like Barbie. In an effort to retain what we cultural sociologists call "cultural resonance," the pageant now seeks a modern woman. I think this means one who doesn't use AquaNet and lists furniture rearranging as a talent. Alas, I'm still getting to the bottom of this.

I watched the first episode on Friday and it was absolutely delicious. It opened with Stacey and Clinton from What Not To Wear randomly opening contestants suitcases and critiquing the wardrobe they brought along. Three regular judges (a stylist, a fashion editor, and a photographer) spend their time trying to rid the contestants of any remnant of old pageant ways including too much make-up, too-big hair, and any item of clothing that's polyester, rhinestone-studded, or neon in color. Meanwhile, the girls are slowly having meltdowns (the most ingrained in pageant culture going first) as everything they've ever known or done to make it to this point has been thrown in the dumper and called weird, gross, and wrong.

Admittedly, there are parts of this show that are absolutely clunky. It's clearly supposed to operate as other "contestants live together" shows ala America's Next Top Model, Big Brother, The Real World. However, with no one getting "voted out," this could become really heinous and ugly. (I lived with 4 other girls once and I nearly lost my mind...I cannot imagine living with 51!) The judges are totally illegitimate--I don't know them and they sound crazy, especially Dina Sansing who, based on various talking-head specials on VH1 and E!, appears to have a single-digit IQ. You can check out the whole crew here if interested. (And who the hell is Michael Urie?). I also have this gut feeling of sorrow and perhaps pity for those contestants who a clearly not "game" for this change. Some have obviously been competing in the pageant circuit for years, have finally won their state pageant looking like a tranny playing an extra in "Hairspray," and now they have to (gasp) look NORMAL! If it were me (and it wouldn't be, but if it were) I might feel like the rug had been ripped out from under me. Now they're being mocked by a known-by-nobody cast of judges including Michael Urie (again, who the hell is Michael Urie?).

On the flip side, this is going to be really interesting from a sociological standpoint. Now on TLC (of all places), we can watch a classic American symbol change under duress and sometimes force. Even more fun, the results of the television show will somehow impact the actual pageant (though I'm not totally sure how--another TLC-riffic detail). Built in are assumptions about gender and popular culture and even in the first episode the contestants faced off on issues surrounding religion, politics, and sex. This is the treasure trove of which I've always dreamt. I just wonder if they'll keep the state costumes--those seemed harmless enough and always good fun. And I can't wait until the talents come slithering out of their shadowy little corners. That will be a great day. Only time will tell.

Watch it...I'm tellin' ya, it's gonna be awesome. Fridays at 9pm (CST) on TLC. I'll be there.

TV Families that Ensure Interesting Mondays

If at about, oh, 7pm your Mondays get tedious and uninspired, take remote in hand and turn on TLC. It's two for the price of one--with the real families featured in Little People, Big World and Jon & Kate Plus 8. Allow me to tell you why these families endlessly fascinate me.

First, the Roloffs. This family, first introduced by TLC about 4 years ago on a show intended to feature the life of, well, little people in a big world. From the picture it's clear that Amy and Matt, the parents, are both little people while only Zach (far left) is a little person kid. Their other kids, (from right) Jeremy (Zach's twin brother!), Molly, and Jacob are average height (the Roloffs don't say "normal height" and I say good for them.) Over the past four years viewers have witnessed the way life gets done when you're 4 feet tall. One of the greatest developments I've witnessed as a regular watcher is how truly normal their life is. Don't get me wrong, both Matt and Amy have been incredibly resourceful in making this family work, but in the end, I watch because the people are so interesting and not because they're "little" or average. My love and personal take on each family member will show up in a future post because, truly, Matt Roloff deserves an entire tome devoted to his crazy amazingness. For now, suffice it to say, show up for the height differential, stay for the family life. More to come on this in a moment.

Now for the Gosselin's. I first saw this brood of 10 on a Discovery Chanel special that eventually morphed into a mid-season replacement and now is one of the most fascinating and scary shows on television. Jon and Kate are poster children for the effects of in-vitro: their twins (Cara and Mady) are 7 while their sextuplets (Aaden, Hannah, Alexis, Collin, Leah, and Joel) are 3. The show chronicles their life in both learning how to deal with a family this size but also how to make that life meaningful for the "older" girls and for the "little kids." This show, like America's Next Top Model (sadly), renders me powerless thereby often gluing me to the tv for as long as they continue to show these episodes. I have friends who just had one kid and their life is hectic. I cannot even imagine this life and yet I can sit and watch it unfold in front of me. Amazing.

What I find most interesting about both shows is the ability to watch gender construction rammed into the fertile minds of all of these children. Both families successfully deal with situations that are so possibly debilitating, they amaze me. At the same time, the ways in which they talk to their children, dress them, deal with their problems, etc. are so conventionally "boys are blue and girls are pink" that sometimes I find it hard to breathe. On LPBW, Amy and Molly often do what Matt calls "girls day out:" they go to the spa, have lunch, go shopping, get their nails done. Which is fine, except that Matt, who's the biggest...little...alpha male on television harps so hard on the boys to be "manly men" that I almost pity them. Jeremy and Zach (the oldest children) take it in stride, but poor Jacob. On yesterday's episode, Matt said that Jacob was "whining like a girly man". I often think Jacob would be happier hanging with Amy and Molly. On J&K+8, what's fascinating is that added to the gender mix is the fact that two of the girls are older which changes the dynamics--Cara and Mady are constantly pegged as being overly emotional, whiny, and clingy.

It's just a very interesting process. I probably could not handle the lives of these two families. But I find it interesting that despite these extreme circumstances in which they find themselves, the ways they categorize and socialize their children are very traditional...and boxed in. I'm fascinated. Watch 'em and you will be too.

Guess Who's Baaaack?

The Roloff's!

That's right...TLC's Little People, Big World returns for another fun-filled season. Not just another couple months on their farm in Oregon, this season features a true RVing expedition ala National Lampoon's Summer Vacation. Unfortunately, I missed the premier of this season because I was busy watching ABC's new offering Samantha Who?, but I have no fear that I've missed anything. The way TLC tends to schedule programs, the first episode will be broadcast about 8 times in the next 7 days to prepare me for the 2nd episode next Monday... and I couldn't be more excited.

I've gone far too long without Matt Roloff in my life. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you've gone far too long without Matt Roloff in yours. This is an awesome show and I'm pumped they're back for more!