Miss America: Maybe Not all Change is Good

Oh effing no. I was totally pumped about this show...the prospects, the hope, the change, the fact of de-plasticization. Oh, woe is me. After the 2nd episode, I have very serious doubts about this. Here's a laundry list of the reasons why in reverse order of importance:

1. A lame attempt at reality show format. So they have these contests...that are lame...and with zero apparent consequences. "Why" I ask, "Why?" TLC--you cannot just throw out any old drivel and assume that tv-watchers are idiots. We are now highly evolved and used to watching shows with a complexity rivaling that of disarming a highly dangerous explosive. You can't take us of Lost and 24 ilk and hand us not only a stupid but inconsequential series of "trials" and assume all with be hunky dory. In fact, it is neither hunky nor dory.

2. Michael Urie. Annoying. Un-funny. Overly-perky. Overly quirky. Overly unknown. Did I already say, "Not funny." This dude's part of the bain of the whole existence of this show. Maybe someone who looks like they didn't just come off a stint at band camp would help thing. I don't know.

3. "Expert" consultants. Under what rock did they un-earth these gems? I find it very hard to believe that these B-list, no-name, tranny look-alikes that they've brought in to "make women modern" know anything about making women modern. I find them bitchy without the reputation to support the bitchiness. And without a huge amount of talent or appeal. Not good.

4. And, finally, the judges. Admittedly, I thought this might be the deal breaker and sure enough, it is. Their advice is fleeting, confusing, and a bit off. Their critiques are uneven and, in my estimation, also have nothing to do with a real or a modern women or even the actual situation at hand. And consider the source, I suppose. A "stylist" (which seems to be code for "I flunked out of design school"), the West Coast editor of "US Weekly"(the job for the gossipy Queen Bee of high school clique-dom), and the male photographer. All super-great candidates to decide what the modern American woman should be.

5. The editing. Yikes. TLC is no Amazing Race that's for sure. By the looks of the show, there are 6 women in the competition--3 who know what's up and 3 who should be mocked shamelessly. And what we see from these 6--just bad. It's so clearly edited to make us think one thing while the truth is the opposite that it's not even fun. Trying. Too. Hard. Strangling. Me.

I'm so disappointed because the promise of relevant change was dangled not so far from my pop culture nose, leading me to a mirage in the old-fashioned desert. Miss America is a classic symbol of the American woman (whether or not it's right is another debate). It needs a change because it simply does not represent women at all but instead forces modern competitors into roles that are so out-dated they're laughable. But the driving force behind the change seems no more savvy or modern than women prancing around in bathing suits and singing bad versions of operatic arias; it's just different. At the height of the problem is that we never even know the contestants real names--they're all "Miss [insert state here]." Would anyone really stand for that anymore? Just because we watch them to discuss at dinner one night stale and prosaic "debate topics" (contraception, abortion, etc), we still also witness the judges hold them to unreal fashion standards and berate them in they're not wearing enough eye-liner. The ones who really challenged others on the debate questions were edited to look aggressive and angry. And there are an awful lot of tears being shown. It's a reality check--but who's reality and how real is it? At this point, all of this still has absolutely nothing to do with me, which means I'm tempted to go surfing and give up on Miss America altogether.

Even after the 2nd episode, it's clear no change will actually be happening here. Yes they cut some hair and made some "suggestions", but they're all superficial; it seems that works on both the literal and the metaphorical level. Oh well. I'm really pinning my hopes on the state costumes now.

Miss America: She's a-Changin'

Confession: I love the Miss America pageant. I always have. There's nothing quite like hunkering down on a Saturday night with a bowl of popcorn and a diet Coke and making fun of the parade of states that opens every pageant, requiring that each beautiful albeit plastified state contestant don a costume representative of her state. Please...that's entertainment. From there we go directly to swimwear (boring) to talent (fascinating in a train-wreck kinda way) to evening-gown-slash-interview (usually embarassing). Hey, I never once said I was a fan of this event. No-no...I just like to watch and laugh.

But, this year there's a massive change underway over at this famous "scholarship program." Basically citing a complete lack of cultural relevancy and threat of extinction, the Miss America Pageant has undertaken what can only be considered a revolutionary re-vamping this year. Normally shown on network tv (ABC in the past) in primetime, this year's pageant will air on TLC (of all cable channels...this is the group that brought you Little People, Big World and Trading Spaces) only after all 52 contestants (including Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico) have participated in a reality show called Miss America: Reality Check also on TLC. The whole premise of the show is to update and basically de-pageantize the "girls" (some of whom are upwards of 25 years old) who have sunk a lifetime of money, time, and effort into looking and acting like Barbie. In an effort to retain what we cultural sociologists call "cultural resonance," the pageant now seeks a modern woman. I think this means one who doesn't use AquaNet and lists furniture rearranging as a talent. Alas, I'm still getting to the bottom of this.

I watched the first episode on Friday and it was absolutely delicious. It opened with Stacey and Clinton from What Not To Wear randomly opening contestants suitcases and critiquing the wardrobe they brought along. Three regular judges (a stylist, a fashion editor, and a photographer) spend their time trying to rid the contestants of any remnant of old pageant ways including too much make-up, too-big hair, and any item of clothing that's polyester, rhinestone-studded, or neon in color. Meanwhile, the girls are slowly having meltdowns (the most ingrained in pageant culture going first) as everything they've ever known or done to make it to this point has been thrown in the dumper and called weird, gross, and wrong.

Admittedly, there are parts of this show that are absolutely clunky. It's clearly supposed to operate as other "contestants live together" shows ala America's Next Top Model, Big Brother, The Real World. However, with no one getting "voted out," this could become really heinous and ugly. (I lived with 4 other girls once and I nearly lost my mind...I cannot imagine living with 51!) The judges are totally illegitimate--I don't know them and they sound crazy, especially Dina Sansing who, based on various talking-head specials on VH1 and E!, appears to have a single-digit IQ. You can check out the whole crew here if interested. (And who the hell is Michael Urie?). I also have this gut feeling of sorrow and perhaps pity for those contestants who a clearly not "game" for this change. Some have obviously been competing in the pageant circuit for years, have finally won their state pageant looking like a tranny playing an extra in "Hairspray," and now they have to (gasp) look NORMAL! If it were me (and it wouldn't be, but if it were) I might feel like the rug had been ripped out from under me. Now they're being mocked by a known-by-nobody cast of judges including Michael Urie (again, who the hell is Michael Urie?).

On the flip side, this is going to be really interesting from a sociological standpoint. Now on TLC (of all places), we can watch a classic American symbol change under duress and sometimes force. Even more fun, the results of the television show will somehow impact the actual pageant (though I'm not totally sure how--another TLC-riffic detail). Built in are assumptions about gender and popular culture and even in the first episode the contestants faced off on issues surrounding religion, politics, and sex. This is the treasure trove of which I've always dreamt. I just wonder if they'll keep the state costumes--those seemed harmless enough and always good fun. And I can't wait until the talents come slithering out of their shadowy little corners. That will be a great day. Only time will tell.

Watch it...I'm tellin' ya, it's gonna be awesome. Fridays at 9pm (CST) on TLC. I'll be there.