Miss America: She's a-Changin'

Confession: I love the Miss America pageant. I always have. There's nothing quite like hunkering down on a Saturday night with a bowl of popcorn and a diet Coke and making fun of the parade of states that opens every pageant, requiring that each beautiful albeit plastified state contestant don a costume representative of her state. Please...that's entertainment. From there we go directly to swimwear (boring) to talent (fascinating in a train-wreck kinda way) to evening-gown-slash-interview (usually embarassing). Hey, I never once said I was a fan of this event. No-no...I just like to watch and laugh.

But, this year there's a massive change underway over at this famous "scholarship program." Basically citing a complete lack of cultural relevancy and threat of extinction, the Miss America Pageant has undertaken what can only be considered a revolutionary re-vamping this year. Normally shown on network tv (ABC in the past) in primetime, this year's pageant will air on TLC (of all cable channels...this is the group that brought you Little People, Big World and Trading Spaces) only after all 52 contestants (including Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico) have participated in a reality show called Miss America: Reality Check also on TLC. The whole premise of the show is to update and basically de-pageantize the "girls" (some of whom are upwards of 25 years old) who have sunk a lifetime of money, time, and effort into looking and acting like Barbie. In an effort to retain what we cultural sociologists call "cultural resonance," the pageant now seeks a modern woman. I think this means one who doesn't use AquaNet and lists furniture rearranging as a talent. Alas, I'm still getting to the bottom of this.

I watched the first episode on Friday and it was absolutely delicious. It opened with Stacey and Clinton from What Not To Wear randomly opening contestants suitcases and critiquing the wardrobe they brought along. Three regular judges (a stylist, a fashion editor, and a photographer) spend their time trying to rid the contestants of any remnant of old pageant ways including too much make-up, too-big hair, and any item of clothing that's polyester, rhinestone-studded, or neon in color. Meanwhile, the girls are slowly having meltdowns (the most ingrained in pageant culture going first) as everything they've ever known or done to make it to this point has been thrown in the dumper and called weird, gross, and wrong.

Admittedly, there are parts of this show that are absolutely clunky. It's clearly supposed to operate as other "contestants live together" shows ala America's Next Top Model, Big Brother, The Real World. However, with no one getting "voted out," this could become really heinous and ugly. (I lived with 4 other girls once and I nearly lost my mind...I cannot imagine living with 51!) The judges are totally illegitimate--I don't know them and they sound crazy, especially Dina Sansing who, based on various talking-head specials on VH1 and E!, appears to have a single-digit IQ. You can check out the whole crew here if interested. (And who the hell is Michael Urie?). I also have this gut feeling of sorrow and perhaps pity for those contestants who a clearly not "game" for this change. Some have obviously been competing in the pageant circuit for years, have finally won their state pageant looking like a tranny playing an extra in "Hairspray," and now they have to (gasp) look NORMAL! If it were me (and it wouldn't be, but if it were) I might feel like the rug had been ripped out from under me. Now they're being mocked by a known-by-nobody cast of judges including Michael Urie (again, who the hell is Michael Urie?).

On the flip side, this is going to be really interesting from a sociological standpoint. Now on TLC (of all places), we can watch a classic American symbol change under duress and sometimes force. Even more fun, the results of the television show will somehow impact the actual pageant (though I'm not totally sure how--another TLC-riffic detail). Built in are assumptions about gender and popular culture and even in the first episode the contestants faced off on issues surrounding religion, politics, and sex. This is the treasure trove of which I've always dreamt. I just wonder if they'll keep the state costumes--those seemed harmless enough and always good fun. And I can't wait until the talents come slithering out of their shadowy little corners. That will be a great day. Only time will tell.

Watch it...I'm tellin' ya, it's gonna be awesome. Fridays at 9pm (CST) on TLC. I'll be there.