America's Next Mediocre Model

Aaahhh...there's nothing so comforting as the newest cycle of America's Next Top Model. I've thought long and hard about why this show fascinates me to the degree it does--it's the combination of Tyra Banks (who is like Oprah before she sold her soul), the usual judging panel (Twiggy, Nigel Barker, Ms. Jay, and a guest judge), and Jay Manuel, the director of the girls photo shoots. I've come to know all of them over the past 4 years and I can expect certain things. The lynch-pin--that uncontrollable factor--is always the new crop of girls rollin' in off the farm, hopin' to be the next, biggest model, like, ever.

This season, I have to admit, I'm not impressed--but I never am until after the make-over show. They all look like know-nothing Barbies who wanna make it big juxtaposing their awkwardly spindly arms and legs and pouting their lips. And they're bitchy.

But this season, there's yet another twist that I'm not sure I'm down with. Ironically, Heather, one of the contestants who actually shows evidence of synaptic activity and thereby sets herself apart from the pack, has Asperger's Syndrome (a mild form of autism). I only mention it because it's been mentioned about 7,000 times in the first two episodes. In what seems to be an odd, possibly damaging move, Tyra has trotted this fact out to everybody who will listen to her. Personally, from what I see, this girl acts just as bizarrely as the rest of the house. However, tonight (which was a replay of Wednesday's new episode), the audience saw a montage of groups of girls talking about how they think Heather is 1) weird 2) not clean 3) too clingy 4) antisocial...basically, you name it and poor Heather is guilty of it. Meanwhile, this girl, who I don't doubt deals with this on a daily basis appears alone and without any kind of support network in the house except for a girl from Cornell (or is it Columbia...who cares--she's a model) who actually has a brain. What makes it worse is that it's a self-reproducing system. The more the girls talk about how weird she is because she's always alone, the more they won't hang out with her. AAAAHHHH!!! This season the show has a "the worst sorority ever" vibe. More than any other season, this group of girls has manifested a blatant cruelty about them that hinges on Heather's "achilles heel". I'm hoping for the ever-entertaining Tyra smackdown.

For a competition show, I question whether this information was essential to everyone in the house. In previous cycles, Mercedes hid Lyme disease almost until the finals, Rebecca had some kind of nervous system dysfunction that caused her to black out, and Michelle contracted impetigo which, before it was diagnosed, the girls in the house "assumed" was a strain of flesh-eating bacteria. Cassie even admitted to being bulemic...and liking it. Even in those cycles, this information came out organically well into the competition and it still did not bode well for the sufferers. So I feel like poor Heather has been set up to fail. To her credit, she seems to be keepin' on, rocking it out this week in a bizarre anti-smoking photoshoot and getting called first (which means she did the best). So there, rest of the house--y'all can suck it.

Thank god they sent Mila packing. Ten minutes into this show, she was talking about her strategy to win the competition. "I think if I just think about the positive, the bad will go away." On top of that, I think she looked weird (a comment I can make because of the platform of this show) All of which made me think, "Oh, she's got to go." Thankfully, I've been watching long enough that Tyra heard me and responded in kind.