Top Model is Back!!!...again...no, again

Hey...look what's goin' on tonight!

New judge (Paulina Porizkova), new girls, new city (NYC).

Next future staple of MTV Marathon Saturdays. I'm totally watching.

America's Next Mediocre Model

Aaahhh...there's nothing so comforting as the newest cycle of America's Next Top Model. I've thought long and hard about why this show fascinates me to the degree it does--it's the combination of Tyra Banks (who is like Oprah before she sold her soul), the usual judging panel (Twiggy, Nigel Barker, Ms. Jay, and a guest judge), and Jay Manuel, the director of the girls photo shoots. I've come to know all of them over the past 4 years and I can expect certain things. The lynch-pin--that uncontrollable factor--is always the new crop of girls rollin' in off the farm, hopin' to be the next, biggest model, like, ever.

This season, I have to admit, I'm not impressed--but I never am until after the make-over show. They all look like know-nothing Barbies who wanna make it big juxtaposing their awkwardly spindly arms and legs and pouting their lips. And they're bitchy.

But this season, there's yet another twist that I'm not sure I'm down with. Ironically, Heather, one of the contestants who actually shows evidence of synaptic activity and thereby sets herself apart from the pack, has Asperger's Syndrome (a mild form of autism). I only mention it because it's been mentioned about 7,000 times in the first two episodes. In what seems to be an odd, possibly damaging move, Tyra has trotted this fact out to everybody who will listen to her. Personally, from what I see, this girl acts just as bizarrely as the rest of the house. However, tonight (which was a replay of Wednesday's new episode), the audience saw a montage of groups of girls talking about how they think Heather is 1) weird 2) not clean 3) too clingy 4) antisocial...basically, you name it and poor Heather is guilty of it. Meanwhile, this girl, who I don't doubt deals with this on a daily basis appears alone and without any kind of support network in the house except for a girl from Cornell (or is it Columbia...who cares--she's a model) who actually has a brain. What makes it worse is that it's a self-reproducing system. The more the girls talk about how weird she is because she's always alone, the more they won't hang out with her. AAAAHHHH!!! This season the show has a "the worst sorority ever" vibe. More than any other season, this group of girls has manifested a blatant cruelty about them that hinges on Heather's "achilles heel". I'm hoping for the ever-entertaining Tyra smackdown.

For a competition show, I question whether this information was essential to everyone in the house. In previous cycles, Mercedes hid Lyme disease almost until the finals, Rebecca had some kind of nervous system dysfunction that caused her to black out, and Michelle contracted impetigo which, before it was diagnosed, the girls in the house "assumed" was a strain of flesh-eating bacteria. Cassie even admitted to being bulemic...and liking it. Even in those cycles, this information came out organically well into the competition and it still did not bode well for the sufferers. So I feel like poor Heather has been set up to fail. To her credit, she seems to be keepin' on, rocking it out this week in a bizarre anti-smoking photoshoot and getting called first (which means she did the best). So there, rest of the house--y'all can suck it.

Thank god they sent Mila packing. Ten minutes into this show, she was talking about her strategy to win the competition. "I think if I just think about the positive, the bad will go away." On top of that, I think she looked weird (a comment I can make because of the platform of this show) All of which made me think, "Oh, she's got to go." Thankfully, I've been watching long enough that Tyra heard me and responded in kind.

America's Next Top Model Cycles Back

THANK GOD the new fall tv season is about to get underway. I've about had it with stale re-runs and the heinous omni-presence of According to Jim which is a whole different post. So, to celebrate the return of America's Next Top Model I thought I'd outline the pros and cons to watching what is blatantly and unapologetically my favorite brand of brain candy. (The following reflections could not be possible without MTV's fantastic choice to air two ANTM marathons back-to-back a couple weekends ago--cycle 3 on Saturday and cycle 7 on Sunday).

PRO1: The product of this show is something I consider art. Now, I don't consider the show art--that's something very different but the photoshoots they do are often strikingly beautiful and fascinating to watch. Talk about taste cultures.

CON1: It's addictive. Often one show isn't enough and if a marathon does happen to pop up on MTV or VH1, the whole day is just shot. This, I think, is a consequence of the competition aspect. Modeling can be fierce...apparently.

PRO2: Mr. and Ms. Jay. Jay Manuel is the artistic director of the photoshoots who actually teaches these bizarrely awkward girls, hailing from every po-dunk town around the country, to be models in their own right. His critique often ranges from purring a "That was beauuuutiful, Jontelle" (the names of these girls...I swear they're made up) to "Lurice...tha's just UGLY, girrrl." I love Mr. Jay with his bleach blonde hair and his half-open hindu inspired blouse (and yes, it's a blouse). He, like Tyra, (and Oprah) possesses the ability to morph instantaneously between sophisticated fashionista and tough-talking ghetto punk. Now, Ms. Jay is another story. The famous runway trainer who taught Tyra to stomp, Ms. Jay is the absolute cutest 6'4" (6'8" in heels, which he frequently wears) black man to ever appear in pigtails. He's often coiffed (last season it was a beehive inspired do) or weaved, wears dresses with heels, and stomps a fierce runway. The Jays are amazing.

CON2: ANTM has become the platform on which Tyra is becoming as unbearable as Oprah. Routinely, she gets all righteous on the girls and says something that starts with, "When I was..." By my count, Tyra's in her early 30s which means she's too young to pull that. She's also full of contradictions. She'll chastise a girl(no, seriously...they might as well be boxed on the ears) for gaining weight and then yell at Janice Dickinson for calling the same girl "fat." Janice is an obnoxious pig--everybody knows that including her. Tyra tries to play both sides of the coin. Not good.

PRO3: Watching this show is a gateway to knowing and seeing the fashion world. Tyra doesn't mess around with unknown designers and stylists. These girls *become* the world of fashion, they end up with a "book" of photos they can use, and meet important people. It's the ultimate in networking for which every one of those contestants that makes it to the house (top 13) should be VERY appreciative.

CON3: This show has made fashion modeling seem like a desirable and achievable career for any skinny chick who might be scooping ice-cream or brewing coffee right now. It's the desirable part that gets me. Many of those girls say things like, "I've known I wanted to model since I was 12." Is that good? Isn't it basically saying, "I've known that I want to be objectified and judged on my physical attributes, posing in a variety of questionable clothing in the name of a haughty and socially irrelevant business since I was 12." Why do we perpetuate and, in this case, encourage what seems ultimately a despicable and shallow business. Then again, I'm in academics and maybe that's not much different.

Anyway, despite any pro or con, I will be watching (actually taping) the first episode of Cycle 9 which proclaims to be the "future of fashion." With a tag line like that, how could I stay away?